Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize