My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
