Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
