I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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