My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
