i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
