mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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