my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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