Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
