I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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