I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
