Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
