Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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