Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Also, beer. Big fan.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
