Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
