i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize