youre lurking in front of me
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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