I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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