I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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