Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
