I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize