All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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