I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
And then he peed in my hair
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