Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
