I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
