I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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