If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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