Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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