textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
