Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
