Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
