My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize