sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
