i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
