if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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