so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Randomize
