Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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