So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
