We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
