I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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