Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
