I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I have fence marks all over my body
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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