the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Houston, we have a squirter
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
These tits shall not be calmed
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
