Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
