I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
