i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
