I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize