oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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