Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Randomize
