dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
