dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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