PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Well I just put wine in my tea
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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