she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
