Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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