I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
