she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
