If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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