i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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