We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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