Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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