I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
