I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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