Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I need water and some morals
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
