i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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