i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
