This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
