the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Randomize
