You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
