it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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