I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
