the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
