oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
